[fic] Saiyuki, "Sex Ed"
Several days ago, Emerald and I had a conversation at 5 am. We are deeply, deeply frightening any time after 2 am. Hell, we are deeply, deeply frightening any time BEFORE 2 am, but we are also brilliant after 2 am.

It was the conversation right before we descended into crack that made me think about Sanzo/Goku, btw.

And then.

Well.

...


Sex Ed (Or, Hakkai and Gojyo pwn the Monk and scare the Monkey)
Saiyuki
Technically Sanzo/Goku. Technically also Hakkai/Gojyo, I guess, or that was in the back of my head when I wrote it. And when I do just about anything else these days. Like sleeping. Or schoolwork. Or, um ... anyway.
Not safe for work. |D


It started when Goku finally upped and confessed to Sanzo -- confessed with his arms over his head, ducking and hiding and trying not to show too much terror and Sanzo had just stared, turned away, lit up a cigarette, and said "Feel what you want, monkey."

Which was a yes, or as close as Sanzo would come.

The rest would have been history, except that Sanzo, in a large fuck you to Right Action, had refused to do anything about it. Or say anything about it. Or arrange for the two of them to share a room, even.

Sanzo was clearly okay with this decision he'd made to avoid actually having a relationship with Goku. Goku, on the basis that Sanzo was okay with it, was also okay with it.

Hakkai (who had been attempting to hook those two up for about three years now, morals be damned) and Gojyo (who was of the opinion that Cherry-chan might be a bit less inclined to ventilate Gojyo's head if he got laid once in a while), however, were not okay with this.

They considered possible traumas, they considered fear, they considered shyness, and they discarded them all as possible reasons for Sanzo's actions.

And then it occurred to Hakkai that, quite possibly, Sanzo did not know what to do. He passed this knowledge onto Gojyo, who burst out laughing, didn't stop for far too long, then agreed.

A plan was formed.

***

Informing Sanzo of the ins and outs of homosexual intercourse was something likely to get them killed if they went about it directly, but without a doubt, it needed to be done.

"We could leave books around where he'll happen to stumble over them," Hakkai suggested. "And, quite aware of the lack in his knowledge, he will find himself strangely drawn to pick up the books and read?"

Gojyo snorted. "Like hell he would. Even if he considered it, he would decide it was stupid and throw it away before beginning."

"Ah, you have a point."

"Videos?"

"...Gojyo, I really doubt he'd have the opportunity or inclination to watch them."

"Oh yeah."

A comfortable, contemplative silence fell.

"You know," Hakkai said, thoughtfully. "Sanzo hasn't been rooming with Goku."

"Yeah, that's part of the problem."

"Still ..."

Gojyo's eyes widened and he flicked his cigarette. "I see," he said. "Yeah, I get it."

"Ah, you're pondering what I'm pondering?"

"I think so, Hakkai," Gojyo agreed. "We trap Goku in his room and explain things to him very loudly?"

"Precisely."

***

Truthfully, it was obvious to both of them that Goku was scared out of his wits.

He was sitting on his bed with a pillow clutched in front of him like an ineffective shield, eyes wide open and a desperate, helpless, terrified grin on his face. The bed was in a corner. Gojyo was standing in front of the long edge, hands on his hips, dictating loudly in Goku's general direction but, more to the point, to the wall behind Goku.

Hakkai was between Goku and the door.

Goku had clearly already given up on escape and could do nothing but stare with horrified fascination and occasionally interject a word or two.

"Uh, so," Goku managed finally, hoarsely, "after the, um. Lube. What do you--"

"WELL YOU GOTTA MAKE SURE IT'S NOT JUST A SLICK HIS COCK AND THAT'S THE END OF IT THING," Gojyo bellowed. "WHICHEVER ONE OF YOU'S ON THE BOTTOM--" he heard a thump against the wall, probably in warning, "--WON'T BE READY FOR IT LIKE THAT. LIKE, I DO NOT CLAIM TO BE AN EXPERT ON SANZO'S COCK--"

Hakkai laughed politely.

"--BUT IT'S A CASE OF A SIZE THREE PEG FITTING INTO A SIZE ONE HOLE, IF YOU TAKE MY MEANING."

Goku half-hid his face behind his pillow. "Uh, yeah, maybe we won't. I mean. The blowjob and, uh, 'mutual masturbation' options y'described didn't sound so bad..."

"Well, you can end up with a sore jaw," Hakkai pointed out, gently. "But everything we are giving you instructions about are ultimately pleasurable when done well."

"I don't want Sanzo hurting my ass," Goku blurted.

"WELL THAT'S WHY HE'S GOTTA TAKE CARE TO PREPARE YOU COMPLETELY -- OR YOU HIM, YANNO, WHATEVER, I DON'T JUDGE. LOTS OF LUBE. LOTS OF CAREFUL STRETCHING. OTHERWISE THERE'LL BE BLOOD AND TRAUMA AND NOBODY LIKES BLOOD AND TRAUMA."

Hakkai cleared his throat.

"UNLESS YOU'RE HAKKAI."

Goku turned his horrified gaze on Hakkai for a moment. Hakkai smiled gently.

"ANYWAY," Gojyo continued. "THRUST AND GO MAY BE THE INSTINCT, BUT YOU GOTTA HANDLE YOUR MONKEY LIKE A--"

"Don't call me a monkey!"

"--FRAGILE -- OKAY, I GUESS WOMAN ISN'T THE BEST METAPHOR HERE, IS IT."

"Maybe we should move on," Hakkai suggested.

"THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, HAKKAI. AAAAAANYWAY. NOW, ONE THING THAT FEELS GOOD IS HITTING THE PROSTATE."

"Well, if it's Sanzo, he'll hit anything," Goku said.

Hakkai chuckled. "Well, he has good aim, but I don't know if I'd go that far--"

"BUT HITTING THE PROSTATE, IT ISN'T SO EASY. ESPECIALLY NOT WITH A COCK. FINGERS, OKAY, NOT SO HARD. BUT AIMING WITH YOUR COCK, THAT TAKES WORK. IF IT HAPPENS, GOOD, AND HELL, I RECOMMEND IT."

"How do you find it?" Goku asked, caught up in things despite himself.

"I'm not sure that's easy to shout through the wall," Hakkai said apologetically.

"...could use diagrams?"

"Loud diagrams?" Hakkai asked dryly, but Gojyo was barrelling on.

"ANYWAY, IN THE POSSIBILITY YOU CAN'T FIND IT AND, HELL, EVEN IF YOU DO, I WOULD LIKE TO RECOMMEND SHA GOJYO-SAMA'S FAVOURITE TECHNIQUE: THE REACHAROUND!"

Goku's blush had started with his ears, but was now making its speedy journey down his neck. "Uh, so that's, um. Just what it sounds like, right?"

"THAT'S RIGHT! THRUST AND WACK OFF AT THE SAME TIME! ANYWAY. NOW, FOR A FEW THINGS NOT TO DO, OR HORRIBLE THINGS WILL RESULT--"

Hakkai sighed, then stepped closer and covered Goku's ears.

Goku blinked at him. "Um. Shouldn't I ... uh ... hear this too? I mean, if you've already told me all this so far--"

"Oh, no," Hakkai said, pleasantly. "No point turning you off sex forever."

"But..." Goku's voice dropped. "Is it okay to turn Sanzo off... y'know ... forever?"

"It'll just make him try harder," Hakkai assured Goku.

The other side of the wall was now silent. Either Sanzo had fallen asleep -- not very likely -- or was actually listening.

After a few minutes, Hakkai uncovered Goku's ears.

"Can I go now?" Goku asked, in a very small voice.

"Oh, I don't think he's done yet," Hakkai said, brightly.

"--AND AFTER, YOU HOLD THE OTHER PERSON, GODDAMMIT. 'CAUSE IF OTHER PEOPLE FIND OUT THAT YOU ROLLED OVER AND KICKED THAT CERTAIN SOMEONE OUT OF BED, NO AMOUNT OF BULLETS IN THE WORLD WILL SAVE YOU."

"Uh," Goku said. "What?"

"It's a metaphor, Goku," Hakkai explained.

"...Oh."

"BECAUSE THAT CERTAIN SOMEONE HAS FRIENDS WHO WILL HAVE A SCORE TO SETTLE, AND TRUST ME, WHETHER OR NOT YOU'RE THIS SUPER-POWERED BIGSHOT, THAT SCORE WILL BE GODDAMN SETTLED."

"That a metaphor too, Hakkai?"

"No, Goku. That's a threat."

***

The next evening, Sanzo unloaded the entire clip of his gun at Hakkai and Gojyo, reloaded, and unloaded that clip as well, then beat them black and blue with the fan.

But when Goku came down from his shared room with Sanzo with a faint limp and proceeded to spend the entire meal staring off into space with a wide smile and dreamy expression, they consoled themselves that the beating was worth it.

Besides, it really just spiced things up anyway.